Vanessa Weibler Paris

The New Rules of Rape

First you must establish consent. (This part is not new.) The word “yes” must be spoken, but “yes” alone is insufficient. There must be a full sentence affirming said consent. “Yes, I agree to have sex with you.” “Yes. I, Speak Your Name, choose of my own free will to have sex with you, Speak His Name.” In which Your Name is her name and His Name is yours. (Note: If she does not know her name, do not proceed. If she does not know yours, however, you may proceed.) We suggest having her read a few sample sentences to find the one that sounds most natural. Also, purchase of a handheld micro-cassette recorder may not be necessary as many cellular phones now allow recording of Voice Notes. Obtaining a signature after verbal consent has been established--cursive and dated; notary not required--is prudent as well. It takes just a moment, but could save you time and money down the line.

(Note: We will not be covering abortion payment issues today, though we invite you to attend next week’s Taxpayer Funding: When No Means Yes seminar.)

Even with a signature, we recommend frequent verbal confirmations.

I am going to kiss your neck. Do you consent to have your neck kissed?

I am going to touch your midsection. Do you consent to my doing so?

My erect penis is about to enter your vagina. Please confirm in a complete sentence, using the active voice and present tense, that you consent.

If you have time, ask her to say the alphabet backwards or walk a straight line, recording audio (for the former) or video (for the latter).

And now we must also consider force. Strong is okay; forcible is not okay. Props are okay; weapons are not okay. When in doubt, pull rather than push. Unless the pulling is forceful. In such case, attempt to maintain muscular equilibrium.

There are a number of reasons why “rape” is unwelcome by all parties involved. Some of the side effects may include:

Unfair accusations
Airing of dirty laundry
Financial consequences
The woman telling her tale to friends, who--since women like to compete--then begin to claim they too were raped
The woman blogging about the incident, dedicating great expanses of web space to ugly words like “violated” and “criminal,” returning again and again to tired genital metaphors like roses and guns, inviting readers to Comment and Share With Friends
The woman beginning to self-define as Survivor
The woman beginning to self-define as Womyn
The woman telling her tales to many therapists over many years (oftentimes in a free clinic, yet another drain on taxpayer dollars--again, this we’ll not cover in detail today)
The woman turning to poetry, hissing your full legal name into a microphone Friday night at the coffeehouse, filling the world with endless haiku: You made my eyes bleed / Penis, iced-over branches / In corner, I thaw and Little Feat willing / Green growth and fruit unwilling / Had my cunt stoved in

And remember, it never hurts to obtain a second signature and recorded statement of consent--first person active, but this time in the past tense--before she leaves.