Ashish Mehta
Feeling
of
Choice
“Good
morning, Remnant AZ-008.”
“Good morning.”
“Today
is your Recreation Day. You are requested to select a Feeling of
Choice. How
would you like to feel today?”
I’m
facing the metaplastic wall. It is smooth, watery, and
semi-transparent; it
seems to flow. I’m Remnant AZ-008. I think for a moment and tell the
wall I’d
like to feel “happy” today.
“Of
course. Your selection has been recorded in the log, and will take
effect
in a few seconds. You may visit the exterior and proceed to Recreation.
Have a
nice day.”
I move
away from the wall and walk across to Zero and allow her to brush my
teeth. Zero
is my wash-basin. She’s done in a few seconds, and I steal a glance at
myself
in the mirror. I notice that I’m smiling.
I was
an artist once, a very long time ago; perhaps things were different
then. I’m not
permitted to reminisce about those times because it is against
protocol; it
confuses things, makes living difficult. I know I was an artist once
only
because I
have a tattoo on my arm that reads: “You were an artist once.” The
tattoo is messy and scarred; it must have been made in a great hurry.
And I
must have
tried to remove it.
I must
have bled a lot.
I sit
on the edge of my bed and wait for my Feeling of Choice to kick
in.
Happiness usually takes the longest, because the formula’s a little
complicated. Sorrow is usually quicker. It is not possible to
feel Elation. The formula, they say, was lost some time in the second
half of 2091.
I can
sense Happiness kicking in. I must get dressed, for the feeling lasts
only eight hours, and it costs a fortune. Given my
financial status, I can afford to feel happy three more times this
year.
I leave
my nest and walk down the common corridor leading to the exterior.
Several
Remnants are leaving their nests. We call them “nests” because they’re
oval,
and we’re told that there existed certain creatures known as “birds”
that lived
in rickety oval houses called “nests.” I have never seen a bird, or a
bird’s
nest. But I am aware that if I had ever seen the latter, it would have
been
oval.
I reach
the end of the corridor, walk past Teleporter A (which takes you to
Office),
and step into the exterior. I walk forward a little distance into the
exterior
and look around myself. You are allowed to linger in the exterior only
when Happiness is your Feeling of Choice, for otherwise
you will feel something they call Despair, which is against the law and
was
removed from the Feelings of Choice listing in 3515.
It is six
in the morning and it is dark. It is as dark as it was the last time
I was
happy (they say the last time it wasn’t dark was some time in 2091,
as well).
It is silent as usual, and there are several other Remnants walking
around.
They, like me, are heading for Teleporter B, which takes you to
Recreation.
The
others, like me, are smiling; they, like me, are happy.
There
are only two teleporters because there are only two types of
destination and only
around a hundred Remnants. They say other zones are organized
identically: one
day of stylized recreation for each day of Office.
The exterior is a strange place, despite
Happiness. It is dangerous to remain in the exterior for very long
because
Memories
may be lurking. I feel something within me that I’m only
permitted to
describe as “strange,” because it is not Happiness, or Sorrow, or any
other
Feeling of Choice. Perhaps it’s Memory, but I do not understand Memory,
and
therefore cannot say. My arm itches. I turn my attention away
from the exterior, for it is black, and that’s that.
Teleporter
B offers several destinations according to your Feeling of Choice
(one for
each Feeling); I choose the one that corresponds to Happiness, and I
soon
find
myself standing at the metaplastic door of Recreation Nest 49. The
standard
instructions seem to fill my head for a long time; I am
unable to focus.
I have heard this a hundred times. More than a hundred times.
Soon,
the door slides open and I step into the light, shielding my eyes,
feeling the
door slide shut behind me.
*
As I
come to my senses, I’m aware that I’m in the exterior again, making my
way back
from Teleporter B. I’m aware that the eight hours are nearly over, and
that I
must reach my Nest before the time of closure. Other Remnants are
returning
too,
their faces stretched wide because of their smiles.
Soon, I’m
sitting at the edge of my bed, naked and still.
Happiness
has worn off, and I must sleep in thirty seconds.
I count the seconds down, close my eyes and fall asleep.
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