What I Wish I Could Say to You

The couple sat on swings. The winter wind was brisk but still warm. She wore a dress that came to her knees. She wore no shoes. She had abandoned them in the grass. There was no snow. She kept her hands wrapped around the chains of the swing. She looked down at her lap. Her feet didn’t quite reach the dirt below. He wore jeans and a new shirt with a collar. His jacket was on her shoulders. He kept his shoes on and they scraped against the dirt. Little bursts of dust wafted up with each new scrape of his shoes.

There was no one else in the park. It was after hours, and soon the police would come in and they would have to leave, too. It was a small park with a tennis court and a jungle gym and a swing set. The swing set creaked each time they moved on it. Otherwise, the park was quiet. The silence between them seemed to make them not alone.

He swung himself forward and backwards slightly, lost in thought. He thought of her. He thought of her short brown hair and how he liked it short like that. Other people told her to grow it out but he liked it short. He told her so often. She kept it short. He also liked her eyes, which were large and almond-shaped. People often asked if she was of mixed race. She wasn’t, but he loved her eyes anyway. They smiled all the time, even if her mouth rarely did. He hoped her mouth would smile when he finally figured out how to ask her to marry him.

She did not swing herself much. She sat on the swing and wondered why, at this time of year, the temperature was not colder. Her legs had small bumps on them from the wind, but it was not that bad. Her feet were cold but she ignored it. She wished he would say something. She had worn makeup tonight, and a dress. She hated dresses. She preferred large pants that made her look androgynous. She hated how the dress called attention to her small bust and boyish hips. She looked at him and saw that he was lost in his own world again. She hated that and wished he was here with her. She often felt alone with him, even though he held her at night and told her he loved her. She loved him too, but she felt very alone.

There was a small sound in the grass by the jungle gym. It was directly ahead of them. She looked up and caught sight of a rabbit as it jumped from its hiding place and bounced off into deeper grass. She stood and went over to it, treading softly in her bare feet, feeling the stiff grass. It felt good. She crept softly towards where the rabbit had gone.

He looked up as she left her swing. He noticed the little smile on her face, and he smiled, too. He thought her smile was beautiful. He thought her boyish hips made her look unique. He liked how they hardly dipped side to side as she walked. It always made her seem like she was tip-toeing everywhere. She had left his jacket behind in the grass as she walked. He watched her for a long time as she crept towards the rabbit. Then she looked back at him with a larger smile. He smiled back. Something occurred to him.

“You want to know something?” he asked.

“What?” she asked, losing sight of the rabbit.

“Something amazing should happen right now.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. Maybe it was seeing her in the moonlight walking softly. Maybe it was how she was in that dress and how beautiful she was when she tried. The dress didn’t fit her well. It made her look awkward but he still loved that she tried.

“I don’t know.”

“There was a rabbit,” she said, and pointed.

“I saw,” he said, lying.

“No you didn’t.”

“You’re right.”

She gave up her search and came back to him. She walked into the dirt beneath his swing and stood between his legs. They kissed and she sat in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. The stars began to cloud over. She shivered. He rubbed her arms.

“We should go soon,” he said.

“Yes.”

They didn’t go until the police came and made them go home. They never went back to the park, as they were not a couple for very much longer.

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